Warm day

Today was a warm day for all the nights confusions were driven and was feel feeling warm and happy again with completeness.Its been quite long since I last busted out with overwhelming emotions,thoughts and confusions in figuring them up.Well after evrything it really feels gud of growing thru it for else life wud ve been so monotonous. Now I know there is lot inside me happening which comes out during moments like this. I am not a saint.

The day went off with the company of the couch and the laptop. Watched a movie which was rather totally collection of events happening around 8 ppl who mess up in their relationship choices and finally find it right..Not a very good movie but it was alright...

Calls to friends, sis and mom pretty much made my day and was feeling lot more better after that and one thing that was planned for the day was not even touched. thats the assessment prep, I am already giving my second attempt and does not work without reading but after yesterday I dint feel like getting glued to the book and giving it time as I needed more time for myself to become normal.

It is just crazy sometimes we turn upside down for no strong reasons, it just so happens as long as u r single or alone it does not affect anyone else except for u but when among ppl u r more prone to burst out

for no reason on the company u ve and take the toll on them. Or completely shut out the other person all of sudden from ur life by showing cold shoulders at practically everything..

The other person has no clue of whats happning inside you and starts wondering if he /she is the reason for the bad temper while they are nowhere in the scenario. They feel helpless that they cannot do anything abt the situation..they cannot make u feel normal and get back to wat u r...

At times you are tired of being the nice person to evryone and u just want to behave like any other bad tempered person but circumstances or the ur conscience only does not let u freak out like tat as the effect is gonna be more than the timely satisfaction coming by being out of the way...

Morning Thoughts

It's a beautiful day, just happens only twelve times in a century. I have had the privilege to witness 10 of them and waiting for the next two in the next couple of years.Hope I live to relish them.I have been able to live through the same series dates like 01-01-01,02-02-02,03-03-03,04-04-04,05-05-05,06-06-06,07-07-07,08-08-08,09-09-09 and today is the 10-10-10.The last magical same series date is going to be in 12-12-12.

Today I woke up by 6:30 which is pretty early for a Sunday although I slept quite late in the night for about 2 am.I just had about four and half hours of sleep but feeling fresh after having visited the park and taking the morning walk. The weather is mostly cloudy with light showers with a pleasant soothing temperature which is neither cold nor hot.

Guess what I have not been writing for a long time now and was speculating if I will still have it in me to write all my free flowing thoughts in the note after being drowned in the digital era of typing evrything and literally not wiritng in my daily life.But on the contrary it is not that bad my hadnwriting nver used to be great one so its lamost close to what I knew of my handwriting back in college where I would write over 42 pages in the designated 3 hrs time evry other exam I took in the fours years of college. I had this weid habit of using all the space given to me in the examsheet evenly for answering all the questions and I followe dit strictly all through. People used to be taken by surprise how come I end up filling all the pages when I dont even understand the question during our third semester,the first Anna UNiversity batch batch which was way totally out of what we were prepared to take.I used to apply my imagination take up and apply everything I learnt in the context of the question and my luck,I passed all the exams without any situations of cat on the wall. It scored 79 % which was pretty bad compared to my academic performance until that point but back then all clear (used to refer ,that passed all papers of semester) was a big achievement. I somehow managed to continue the pattern all through my 4 yrs of degree.

The spot I have pciked to sit up in the park is th ebest being under the wings of an age old tree which is shielding me from the rain & there is a great view of the green lawn with drops of water in front of me; lot of perople engrossed in their morning activities like taichi,karate,fitness walks,athlets running around,birds chirping,the houses and cars on either side of me.

I never knew about Tai Chi before until one of my friends from work started signing up for the classes as fitness activitty to be relaxed and lose some weight.It is slow form of movements and postures held in a sequence nah its an extremely slow form of moving the different joints in style, rhythm and slow motion. For the onlookers it appears to be rather simple, but only when you do it ,the real pain strikes that its tough do it slow and hold the postures.

Thanks to my ability to write for it helps the most when nothing else works and I feel shut out and void.Its been close to an hr since I reached the park, have observed many people walking in and out of the park.The park here is lovely as its big and there is space for evryone who wants to be among grps or on theri own thoughts.. I have to come to terms about the relationship I share with the new entries in my life.

It appears as if the sky is going to clear up for on one side its trying to drive away the clouds and take its spot bright and blue rather than being immersed by the cloud but looking at it appears as though the sky is not gonna have a good day as there is more chance for the cloud to dominate completely.But the tiny winy bit of the blue sky amidst the clouds is a good sight . I love it. On taking a closer look, the similarity of this in ones life is evident which is when we look for the tiny bit of sense or light or hold to just grab it ,climb up and leave the darkness behind in our lives.

Well someone as me has manged to jolt down 6 pages continuously nonstop in the last forty minutes, tells me that I am after-all not bad,given the push and drive I might do a lot better.But being born a Gemini and living it thoroughly like one does not let my mind fix up on something. It likes to wander a lot with freewill,no hardcore fundas . Most of the time,I have not been able to stick on something for long.There is always this moment of disinterest which blows up to a big one making me throw it up the shelp for long time. There is also the representation of Gemini in m writing which is very evident from ho wmy mind jumps and takes from one thing to other by giving the 100 % to the present making fast switch of thoughts.

If at all I have to be happy abt something I do all my life, it can only be an activity or work which user this nature of mine the best gicing me lot of context switches and new things to keep thinking catering to my hunger for learning.Well that being said I might like somethings that has got to do with people emotions for each one of usare way different and handle things in a new angle.I might be of good use where you have to understand the pulse of people and act as getting to know people is one of my interests.

Somehow the sun manage to show up its face beyond the clouds,it was very fantastic but then again it was taken down by cloud.When the plight of the universal sun is like that no wonder human has to face this on and off in their daily lives.At times there is someone or something that brings you the hope that you can get away with your problems but against he same person or thing might put yo through a state of emptiness and helplessness. Life is a cycle as universally agreed and talked about,we cannot just follow the uphill and keep climbing, it ll involve the climb,fall,stopovers,breaks,rejuvenations and get back to the mission which ll take us towards the goal eventually...

There is one very cute tiny little kid in the park trying to walk and falls down due to the surface imbalance of the lawn and starts fiddling with the grass for playing.She is wearing a cute little hat, shoes and short frock. Its lovely to watch kids,they are free spirited with full of energy,interest,enthusiasm abt every other thing that they set their eyes on. It's tis nature to enjoy and rejoice evry tiny bit of us, surrounding that we miss to take it along while we grow up and become matured.

If that spirit existed in us every other day would be a great day of hope and more interest to us. I constantly search for the child in me to feel more interested and enthusiastic about living when I lack it the most....

Lonely

Its the moment that you want to be more with people when you are actually devoid of company. There is an emptiness inside one which starts searching for someone to fill in the emptiness and make you feel complete.They come in different forms while sometimes the emptiness be just simply you have been alone for some time without much company. Sometimes just a dear friend can fill in that space and make you feel complete back from pieces to whole. While sometimes it specifically yearns for something more specific beyond the things in your hand it can be ur mom's love, ur brother to fight, or ur sister to gossip or ur mate who is expected to complete yourself and take up all the other roles that you had the leverage of enjoying until he/she entered into your life!!

How much ever you want to divert your thoughts and run away from thinking of the person who is making you feel lonely, the more it takes on you by entirely eating up all your memory making your processor to go to 100 % usage where you have to stuck for sometime depending on each one of us and the nature of the relationship of the person we are missing.

Sometimes its just a matter of few minutes after which you can successfully drive them away from your mind and go about your normal chores in life. Sometimes it becomes more of a challenge ,you have this weird sensation in your heart like someone is squeezing it and your running out any supply of air in the lungs and it starts feeling heavy in your heart.Like the heart is not trying to do its normal amount of pumping of blood to keep you in a comfortable state..

I bet there would practically be no person who has not gone through this state in their life. The ratio of feeling lonely is directly proportional with age.,The more you grow, the more likely you are to be a victim of loneliness..For young kids don't even know what is loneliness and with age we start developing our preferences over people and start looking for particular type of company to fulfill the emptiness in each one of us.

Right now I am feeling more lonely because of my friend who I badly want to be with now to clear off the contraction in my heart and restore me to become normal by all her gesture,talks and magic...But guess what she is totally not reachable presently and that makes me more sick of it, for the daemon in ur head starts fueling all negative thoughts by giving in extra pump of oil.

Like am I important to her; would she prioritize me over something or is it just one sided emotion. Am I nuts to be dependent on someone to this extent or is ti worth all thise, should I change the way I feel about this person and thousands of questions keep running in your mind.

But everything is waiting for that one person's presence at the moment of need and if you have the privilege of being with that person over any of the means of communication for few minutes ;it kills the negativity ,doubts raised by the daemon and everything feels normal again and you can breathe fine

and feel warm and happy.....

But there are very few times in your life when you are actually lucky to have the emptiness filled and most of the time it gets worse for you have to deal with it and you try harder to come over it and eventually drift to sleep or diversion mediums to bury the thoughts and next morning when you wake up its all gone.

Sleep is the most powerful medicine for loneliness for it erases all the last nights confusion in the morning and you start off a fresh day with complete storage capacity .

Being Conventional

Breaking the convention seems to be the most difficult part of being raised an Indian. I never seem to kick start thinking out of the way or find it easier or natural to think in unusual way.All that comes to my mind is going by the rules, book and previous experience.

My mind is living in its own space and even for simple things cannot gulp down the differences and does not take things quite easily. Modern civilization and inventions had made man move so much out of the environment. There is lot of difference in the thought process and the sensitivity of the body and mind towards the surroundings have reduced to a great extent.

When at times we were able to feel the weather pattern change just by our notions now unless we don't have the equipment or the weather forecast we would not realise it is going to rain or be more sunny..

Observing the things around and learning the patterns to arrive at conclusions have been lost in the the modern civilization. There is the modern man who is so selfish and just knows to destroy things and harm nature. There is nothing that is done to enrich the nature.

I sometimes fear that we would end up in the history as the bad generation who were selfish and did not do anything to save earth and they just dwindled the resources lived their life and left nothing for the offspring..

If everyone starts thinking of the changes that has been in their life in the last 20 years , they would realise how much can be prevented if we start thinking broader and doing things right

My day in my home town..

Well it is tough to start anything in life.There are lot of ideas,confusions on choosing which is the best .Is this the one I like and there are lots of questions for which we dont have an answer.When I thought penning down my thoughts as it happens in my day to day life, I had a lot of questions on what I am gonna write about? Is it about me or is it about the society or is it my outlook of life

There are numerous questions like this going on in every stage of life in me for which I dont have an answer and I simply make up the answer or get rid of the questions.Life is so interesting with
a lot of unexpected twists ans surprises making us learn everytime there is something happening in our life.With years we have a lot of experience and have good skills of analysing past events better but then when it comes to our future or present it is the same confusions again as it all new then.

Help from someone who has gone through something like this or who has observed it will be helpful in making htose decisions thats why Indian culture had all its decision making with elders and they just followed it.May be it just became a practice to follow orders after sometime rather than asking for opinion and making our choice.

Over years it became tougher to follow ones' instructions burying your own reasoning which eventually led to the way we are now.We make our own decisions sometimes we give a thought to others opinion buthardly do we respect others reasoning skills.Thats too elders.we atleast do hear our friends..

By now I have decided what is going to fill this blog..It is a collection of all my thoughts when I start writimg.This space will occupy stuff like whatever turns my thought process takes me to
.It might not be an organised one as it is going to follow my mind which is very very complex and fast in switching the trail of thoughts..

But this is going to give me good memories when I turn back and read them all one fine day when I have a lot of time

Ok bye for now.I will come down whenever i have time for myself.